Wednesday, December 07, 2011

From Fake to Being Real - Coming out of hiding...

Why is it so hard to be? What could be simpler. My teacher Lester Levenson used to ask: "How difficult is it to be who you already are?"

Why is it that the closer you get to your truth, the further away it seems to get.
It feels so scary just to write these words now. What is the purpose of my sharing?

Honest answer?

I just want to share who I am. I want to connect. Have a deep need. Is there anyone listening? Is it safe to express what's really so? Even when it seems silly or banal?

The scariest part... is meeting the chasm between "the show" of me, and the difference of how I truly feel inside. Inside, I am a ball of vulnerability. Raw. Unpolished. Unfinished. It got so painful the other day, that I just couldn't go on another moment being "productive". "Productive" felt violent.

So I got out of the house, out of the office and went north to the Tel Dan reserve, home of amazing water falls and ancient ruins, where sounds of healing music once were heard. I was inspired by the beauty and broke out into song. This is uncut, unrehearsed. It was so inspiring to sing here.

How does it fit in? Is there room for this part? How does this part fit into the scheme of life in the workaday world?

The chasm is a belief that this raw, unruly part of existence gets in the way of the orderly side of behavior, always in control - or at least pretending to be by being busy.

Being busy isn't the same thing as getting things done.

So, instead of spinning in my head, trying to figure it all out - which never works anyway... I post on this blog.

It's public. It's imperfect. Yup, it's raw.

And it's such a wonderful feeling to come out of hiding.

Where might you be hiding within? Where could you come out and play more directly in this amazing game of life?

1 comment:

Square-Peg Karen said...

I love how dropping everything but BEing can lead to something so beautiful! This is gorgeous, Eliana! Thanks for sharing it.